I was adopted into a rural family in a town of 250 people. Growing up, I was always different, but never knew why. People thought I was odd, and I became a social outcast. I didn’t fit in with my adopted family, because my personality was so different from them. I never really had close friends growing up, and my peers frequently called me ‘blurt alert’ because I would say things without thinking. I never had friends in high school, and didn’t even date until college. No one ever wanted to be close to me, because I was so different. I grew up mostly isolated and alone.
My dad was physically and emotionally abusive. His pet name for me was ‘dumb cow’. He called me this because my thoughts were scattered and random and I sometimes went around aimlessly. He beat me for being useless, but never bothered to take me into counseling. I frequently took beatings, because I was ‘scatter brained’. I eventually got to a point where I wore my younger siblings’ cloth diapers on my butt, legs and back as armor, so that when I got beat, it hurt less. Even as late as 5th and 6th grade I frequently wore diapers daily to lessen the blows.
Eventually my dad figured this out, and then I was required to strip to bare skin and wrap my hands around my ankles to take my beating ‘like a man’. He would beat my bare behind with belt, sticks, boards, or plastic straps. I would frequently get blistered and bleed to the point where I could not sit or lay on my back. These beatings were almost always because I was having trouble focusing my thoughts, and often could not comprehend proper responses to problems. He thought corporal punishment was the answer to all problems. He felt if he beat me, he could fix me.
When I was a pre-teenager, I discovered Playboy magazines in a neighbor’s barn. The stories there really intrigued me. It made me think that somehow there was a better life once I was an adult. I felt that the women were speaking to me in a personal way with their stories, giving me a false sense of intimacy. I became obsessed with collecting pornography, and the stories in the magazines became my escape from the world. I almost lived ‘out of body’, because I was so outcast from society. I fantasized for the day that I could be accepted by people in a way these women talked about in the pornography. Pornography became my friend, and my escape from the real world.
In the town I was in, drinking alcohol was quite routine and common, and I was regularly drinking as young as 7th grade. My parents had no objection to this and in fact often bought me alcohol as young as 8th grade, even allowed me to have beer parties as a teen at home. Even the parish priest bought alcohol for us, and allowed us to drink, watch movies, and play poker in the parish rectory as early teens. I often drank to the point of passing out, just because I hated life. I tried to drown myself a couple of times, and intentionally crashed cars into fixed objects a couple of times to try to kill myself. I cut my wrists and arms a few times, and even jumped out of trees and off of river banks hoping I could break my neck. I tried to suffocate myself with garbage bags and tried to crush my skull in farm machinery. I felt like such a failure because I couldn’t even kill myself. I had numerous traffic violations, because the racing thoughts in my head often caused me to drive to excessive speeds sometimes well over 100 MPH. I lost my license 3 times because of speeding. People often say high school is the best time of your life, but my memories of high school are degradation, humiliation and loneliness. I graduated high school in a class of 360 in 1985, and to this day do not talk to them.
I started college in 1985. My parents gave me no help, and even charged me for the supplies they gave me when I went off to college. Items such as hair dryer, food, and toiletries that they gave me I had to pay for. I could not have felt more alone leaving home, but I hoped that there was something better for me. After all, the pornography I had viewed had promised being an adult would be better. I had my first date at age 19, towards the end of 1985. That ended terrible, because I was incapable of a relationship. I then met a girl that was nearly as messed up as I was. I ended up getting her pregnant, and my daughter was born in 1987. When she was born, something in me changed. I finally felt that I had a purpose in life. I stopped drinking, and stopped looking at pornography. When I got sober, I found that I no longer had any interest in her mother, so we split up, and I became a single dad.
I was forced to quit college in 1987 after my Associates Degree to work and support my daughter. I filed for, and received full custody of her in 1988. She has always lived with me and has my last name, even though I was never married to her mother. I met my future wife that year, only ever having dated 2 women. She recognized that I had severe emotional issues, and made it her task to ‘fix’ me. I had a lot of the same issues as her mother, and that created a bond that really tied us together. We were married November 3rd, 1989. She has raised my daughter as her own. We have never separated or parted ways, despite all of my troubles. She has always believed I was a good person deep inside, but felt that I just needed someone to guide me to find my way out of my emotional hell. But my issues even taxed her dedication. The more I failed, the more I turned back to my old friend pornography. By the time we had been married 5 years, I was back to a full blown pornography addiction again, because I just couldn’t relate to people.
I originally discovered online pornography on BBS (Bulletin Board Services) in the late 80’s. These were computer services that I could connect to and download more stories and images. As technology progressed, this led to uuNet, FidoNet, and eventually the Internet. By the time the Internet came around, I was making a 6 figure salary doing computer work, and could afford to buy all the technology and pornography that I could get. I belonged to almost every ADULT site I could find, and I ordered every ADULT video I saw. My relationship with my wife was rough and distant, because despite her best efforts, she couldn’t ‘fix’ me. My thoughts were completely scattered and random, and I was becoming extremely OCD. Her giving up on me, led me to a road of isolation. I focused on pornography, because it never let me down, and the stories were my escape. I was completely out of control downloading and ordering all of the pornography from the Internet. Somehow acquiring pornography gave me a sense of accomplishment, and collecting pornography gave me a sense of purpose. It wasn’t the looking at the pornography, but the collecting of it that filled my sense of loss. I downloaded more than I could ever view, I just downloaded, saved, and collected more.
In 1997 I ordered 2 tapes of teenagers off the internet. At the time, I really didn’t comprehend the wrongfulness of doing this. I was ordering numerous tapes per week, and not really even being discriminate in what I was ordering. In my scattered thoughts, these videos were no different than I was seeing in movies at the time (Porkeys, Fast Times, Blue Lagoon, etc). I never saw this as predatory. I really didn’t comprehend that it was wrong or illegal. The tapes were ordered from an FBI sting operation. They delivered the tapes, and searched my house. Somehow they were protecting children by selling ‘child pornography’, but I was a tagged a predator for ordering it. I absolutely could not comprehend what was happening, and I didn’t understand why my actions were so wrong. They searched my entire house, top to bottom looking for more tapes, but everything they found was legal ADULT pornography. They had my children checked out by CPS, and the report came back that my children had never been touched. I could not understand this, because my problem was not about sex, my problem was about collecting pornography. The investigators were extremely upset that my children were not abused, because it hurt their case against me. They told my wife several times she needed to leave me because I was a dangerous pedophile, even though my children had never been harmed.
I hired an attorney, and he looked at the case. He could not believe they were pressing charges with only the 2 tapes. But the Federal law was such, that there was no getting around this charge. I had no choice but to plead guilty.
He sent me to be analyzed by Dr. Bruce and Dr. Eugene. Dr. Eugene determined that I was in an extreme manic phase and suffering from Bipolar. He estimated that I had suffered from this my entire life, and this is why my childhood had been so traumatic. This caused frequent scattered thoughts, resulting in an OCD which I satisfied by collecting pornography. Dr. Gutnik went so far as to say the Bipolar and OCD had made me clinically insane, because I was no longer capable of rationalizing thoughts. They put me on medication, and over time, my Bipolar and OCD came in check. During that time, I continued to download pornography, because I had no idea that it was part of my problem.
Collecting pornography was my crutch for coping with life’s lemons, where other people turn to drugs or alcohol.
I had more than ample grounds to file for diminished capacity, and an insanity defense. But he said that if I got off on an insanity defense, they could lock me in an institution for a decade. The medications were helping, and for the first time, I was able to have rational thought process. I did not want to be locked in an institution just when I was starting to get my lifelong problems figured out. I was offered a plea deal in the case to get probation. My attorney said this was a good deal, and I should take it rather than fight the charges. I plead guilty in the spring of 1999. Neither I, nor my attorney, had any idea that I would be required to register as a ‘sex offender’. I did not find that out until well after my plea deal was finalized. I asked to reverse my plea, but it was too late. This caused me to lose my 6 figure salary job, and become unemployed for a time. They did NOT want a sex offender working there. I did get a job again making exactly ½ of my old salary. We soon ended up filing bankruptcy due to this 50% loss in income.
I started therapy with Bill at Catholic Social Services, but since the government kept implying I was a sexual predator he tried to treat me as a sexual predator. I knew I had no interest in children, and it greatly offended me to be treated as a predator. I effectively fought therapy. If anything, this did more to hamper my recovery then help it. My real problem was an addiction to pornography, caused by OCD and Bipolar, but that problem was ignored because I was being treated as a predator. At the recommendation of my Psychiatrist, I went with Marlys. She immediately recognized my behavior patterns for what they were, which was an addiction to pornography based on isolation. She admitted I had a long road of recovery, because my problems were stemming from severe self esteem issues, social isolation, and childhood trauma resulting in self loathing. We needed to get to the core of that to correct my behaviors.
I had severe emotional scarring from my childhood, and that was going to take time to correct. I soon discovered that my only chance at recovery was to end my pornography collecting. Marlys decided the best course of treatment for me, was to work on rebuilding my self esteem, rebuild my support network, discard all of my friends who were porn addicts, rebuild a network of ‘healthy’ friends, and try to control my OCD behaviors with medication. We were very successful in doing this, and within a year or so I was well on the road to a new life.
In July of 2001, as a standard part of my probation, they ordered a search of my house. That was done, and old pornography was found on my computer. 1000s of ADULT images were still there. These should have been deleted by me, but I had so much pornography over my decade of OCD, that I just didn’t keep track of everything I had. As it turned out in the 90’s I was a member of an ADULT Yahoo newsgroup. Unknown to me, a member pushed 13 child porn images to that newsgroup, and they went to every member. These images were still sitting in an unread cache on my computer for years untouched, a remnant of my original acting out behavior. I take the responsibility of not properly scrubbing my computers to rid myself of my old skeletons, but that is truly where my guilt in this lies. I did NOT want child pornography, it was in fact an ADULT newsgroup. The fact that I had only 13 images more than supports that.
My computers were seized, but no charges were filed. I had not heard anything for years. In 2003 my probation officer told me no charges would be coming, because there was insufficient evidence that I had intentionally downloaded these images. There was also insufficient evidence to secure a conviction. My wife and I celebrated, and at this point, I decided it was finally ok to move on with my life. As part of this, I went back to school, and finished my Bachelor of Sciences degree from a University with a 4.0 GPA. I continued in school, going after a degree in mathematics and accounting, which were beneficial for my line of work. My plan was to end up with a triple major. I rebuilt my life with all new ‘healthy’ friends, and tried to become ‘normal’ for the first time in my life.
In spring 2004 I was ready to be released from probation, and as part of my ‘out’ paperwork, they looked back at the 2001 case. Someone decided that while there was insufficient evidence to secure a conviction, there WAS sufficient evidence to violate my probation. So they filed a probation violation in summer of 2004. They followed that with a second indictment for possession of child pornography from 90’s (BEYOND statute of limitations). By this time, I was a new person, reinvented myself, and no longer had a problem with pornography. My attorney in the case had stated that this was the weakest case he had ever seen. He stated that he had never seen a conviction on only 13 images. At the time, he recommended that we fight this all the way to the Supreme Court if we needed to. The evidence was that I had not intentionally downloaded them.
We then found out, that I could win this case, yet still be convicted on the probation violation for having porn on my computers. The prosecutor informed us that even if I beat the child porn conviction, he would come after me for a probation violation, which would result in a 10 year Federal prison sentence. This was devastating, because 5+ year old skeletons were coming back to get me. I was offered a plea deal in which I would get probation extended, and have the probation violation stricken from my record. I was full well aware that I could beat the charge yet still get Federal prison time on a violation. I accepted the plea deal in December 2004. As a result of this, I was forced to quit college again, and abandon my efforts to complete a triple major. I did at least walk down the aisle almost 20 years after starting college, and I was able to proudly wear the red sash because I graduated Summa Cum Laude for the one degree I did complete. Now at this point, you are probably thinking I am minimizing my crime. But look at the FACTS: 2 FEDERAL charges for child porn, and not a SINGLE day in jail. I was never even hand cuffed, so there are serious mitigating factors here. All I ever got was probation, for 2 charges that both carry MANDATORY prison. Most people would have a minimum of 5 years FEDERAL time for this.
This conviction resulted in an automatic reclassified to Level 3 offender by the State Patrol. I appealed this decision, presented my case, and they readily agreed that I should be no more than a Level 2 offender. I did this on my own accord, without legal counsel.
My wife, who always had a love for children, had worked as a day care provider for most of her adult life. She had always wanted to have her own day care. She absolutely enjoyed going to work every day, because she loved caring for children. When I was classified as a Level 2 offender, her day care was notified, and she was forced to quit due to the humiliation of being married to a sex offender. This effectively ended her career. So my behaviors cost her, her career. I then was terminated from my job, and ended up only being able to get part time work for almost a year. We ended up both being unemployed in 2004/2005 because of this. Our finances went in the dump again in 2005, and we almost filed bankruptcy AGAIN. We did go into foreclosure, but were able to recover.
I continued therapy, not necessarily for porn addiction, but now I was really struggling with self esteem issues, and the effects of being called a repeat predator. I quickly realized that my plea deal had destroyed me in a way I had not seen coming. I continued to meet with my therapist weekly to work on keeping myself together, because now I was unemployed, and could not get a job. No one wanted to hire a sex offender, and a repeat sex offender was worse. Even the Federal Program ‘Gold Star’ specializing in helping felons secure employment refused to work with me. They said there was no chance of a repeat sex offender getting a job. I was unemployed for a year, interviewing a couple of times per week, before I finally found an employer willing to give me a chance (on the condition I was not on the internet).
But it came at a price; they gave me the salary commensurable to a 1st year employee. Even though I had almost 20 years of experience in my field, I was making the salary of a 1st year person. I was less than a third my median income expectations for my experience level. But I was committed to rebuilding my career.
In 2008 my wife and I decided it was really time to start over. We had lived in the same house for over 13 years, but felt it was time for a ‘fresh start’. We moved to a new house, started completely over with new friends, and abandoned everyone from our past. We decided it was time to really become involved in neighborhood community. I decided I needed to try to get friends again. In 2009 we had been married for 20 years, so we renewed our vows, bought new wedding rings, and promised to put our past behind us, and look forward to a wonderful and happy second 20 years together. We were in a lovely house, our life was picture perfect. After 40 years of hell, I had completely rebuilt my life, and put all of my past behind me. My self esteem issues were virtually gone, I was done with probation, I was moving forward with my life, absolutely nothing could have made my life better. My P.O. even stated I was the perfect example of what they hope every person can accomplish through rehabilitation.
I had been in therapy for 9 years, meeting 1 or 2 times per week that whole time. I had my bachelors degree, I had been doing good at work, and had really re-invented myself. I had trouble making friends, because the stigma of the sex offender registry was a constant weight over me. I wrote a letter to Dr. B. at the State Patrol, asking if I could have my case reviewed to perhaps be taken off the registry. I told her that I need to be relieved of this constant degradation, for me to proceed in therapy. Until I could rid myself of the stigma, I could not work on my self esteem issues, and my therapy was stalled. Until I could rid myself of the stigma, I couldn’t make friends.
The state patrol responded by immediately reclassifying me as a Level 3, and told me I was welcome to challenge that. I do not know why they did this, it just appeared to me to be a vicious, mean, controlling act because I wanted to show that I had rehabilitated. So they responded by making me a level 3 without ANY due process.
In September 2008, I met with hearing officer Frederick to appeal my classification. Again, I did this on my own with no legal representation. I never heard back from my hearing within the allotted time. I called Frederick repeatedly, but was never given a response. Finally in March of 2009, he leveled with me, that I was deserving of a reduction in risk to a Level 1 or maybe even to be released completely, but it didn’t matter. He stated that with Adam Walsh, the entire risk assessment system was being abandoned, and nothing he said made any difference. So even though I would have been reduced, my hearing results were thrown out, and due process was discarded again. I BEGGED him to write a decision. I knew that I could appeal to a higher court, and get off the registry, but they REFUSED to give me a decision.
By their refusal to obey the law, they effectively denied me due process to get off the registry before the new law.
So now with Adam Walsh, I am a lifetime registrant classified as a dangerous predator. I have been offense free for 13 years (since the 2004 offense was truly left over skeletons from my 1997 behavior). Officially, however, I am listed as offense free for 11 years. I had also been in therapy for 12 years, and on medication that is correctly controlling my Bipolar and OCD. My therapist told me that my best bet for a life-long relief from ANY addiction, was to integrate in society, and avoid the isolation that brought me there in the first place. But the Adam Walsh act absolutely isolates me from society, and degrades me to a point, where it will foster the same environment that resulted in my addiction in the first place. My therapist completely agrees that the Adam Walsh act absolutely has stalled my therapy. At this time, I am continuing therapy, because I do not want to go back to that point in my life. I am being proactive to live a good life, but I need to be off the registry so that I can rebuild my self esteem.
On top of this, I have become part of the solution. I participate in several men’s groups, and I work diligently with other men, trying to warn them of the evils and dangers of pornography. I have been instrumental in convincing men that pornography leads to a path of self destruction and I have cured many men of the dangerous addiction of pornography. I truly have done more to stop the use of pornography then any lay person or politician, because I have been doing it for over a decade. Not only do I not use pornography, but I actively try to work with men to get them to stop using pornography. I participate in actions that WORK to fight this problem. I have taken calls at all hours of day and night, from men struggling with acting out on their bottom line behaviors. I have successfully talked them out of their demons. I have no doubt in my mind I am personally responsible for preventing victimization.
THEN ADAM WALSH ACT, AND I LEARNED THE TRUE MEANING OF PAIN, DEGREDATION, AND HUMILIATION.
I now live in pure fear, pure hatred and incredible isolation. My abusive childhood is coming back in crushing PTSD.
The first month of 2010 was probably one of the worst months in my life to this point, and it went downhill from there. My picture was posted on light poles around the neighborhood with the word ‘PREDATOR’ stamped in large letters. Neighbors went door to door passing out my picture, warning people that a molester was in the neighborhood.
My picture and address went up on the home owner’s association website. My notice went out to all residents of my neighborhood. Neighbors started banding together to try to force me out of my house. I had signs posted on my front door, my son’s truck, and light pole outside of my house several times. I had garbage dumped in my driveway, I’ve had people drive by slow and honk long honks. They signaled to me, and sped off. I cannot say for certain, but I suspect they are giving me the ‘1 finger salute’. They would have no reason to honk and speed off if they were being friendly.
They went so far, as to call the person I bought the house from and harass HER. She then went through the paperwork, found my employer, and gave that to my neighbors. They then began also harassing my employer. I have become so paranoid I can barely even make it home without panic attacks. I frequently wake up in cold sweats in pure panic, because I think someone is attacking our house every time I hear a noise. Since 1/4/2010, I have barely slept more than 2 hours at a time without a panic attack. I have nightmares that make my childhood seem pleasant, and they are stressing me to the point that hair is falling out in handfuls. My therapist says I am suffering some of the worst Stress Trauma she has ever seen, a level usually only suffered by war veterans.
At work, it is just as bad. Someone wrote PEDOPHILE in permanent marker on my ‘white board’ at work, and the board had to be discarded. I’ve had several notes taped to my monitor calling me a child rapist. I had notes on my desk, and had trash thrown on my desk. Then someone wrote anonymously to legal department, and complained that they felt threatened that I was there. They demanded that I be immediately fired. I was pulled into HR to meet with head of security and an attorney to discuss the situation. They already knew about my situation, I disclosed that when I was hired, but this was something new. Since people were saying they felt threatened by my presence that presented a legal challenge for the company. In other words, they now are worried they will get sued if they don’t fire me. So now I am on ‘probation’ pending a legal investigation to see what they need to do. While they don’t think I should be fired, they also don’t want to open themselves up to a law suit. They have retained me, but now I am basically a sore.
My kids are getting harassed, and have to constantly defend me. Rather than them focusing on being teenagers, they have to spend time defending their dad, and trying to convince people that I never molested them. My kids have broken down and cried several times, they cannot believe how cruel this state has been to their dad. They love me more than anything, and have always thought I was the best dad, but now they see me being absolutely crucified, simply for the purpose of political pandering. My older boy is in government class right now, and has totally lost all faith in our legislature. The teacher was presenting the bill of rights, and my son is absolutely unable to reconcile what has happened to me, with the bill of rights. He said it’s just plain as day that this state has completely trashed the bill of rights in my case. He is especially concerned that politicians say this is not punishment. That has made him angry, nearly to the point that we need to get him into therapy to deal with his anger over how cruel and unjust this is to our family.
My daughter has been accosted by several people who tell her I MUST have molested her. She has to constantly argue with people and tell them I have always been a wonderful dad. She is so angry with the government, that she is ready to leave the state over this. My children all need to go to therapy now to deal with the stigma of the registry.
My wife is getting harassed, and she is no longer able to even show her face at our children’s school. Parents are asking her how she can live with a child molester, and telling her she is an irresponsible piece of trash to have her kids around a child molester. They are cruel, and barbaric to my wife for sticking by me. We are all living in defense mode.
My wife, children, and myself are constantly having to defend ourselves against harassment. We are living in total fear, and major stress. Every time we hear a noise outside, we run out to see if someone has egged our house AGAIN, or thrown garbage in our yard AGAIN. We are afraid to leave the house. When we come home, that last block before our house is apprehension, because we are worried what we will find at our house. We live in constant fear and panic.
I get harassed at work; I come home, and get harassed. At church I am getting evil looks, and people avoid sitting by me. If I sit in a pew, I’ve had people get up and move. I am not allowed at my children’s school, and I’m afraid to go to any of their sports events. Every person that accosts me ‘demands answers’. They want to know why a predator is not in jail for life (remember from my story, I was never given a single day in jail). They demand that I leave, and ‘go away’. It’s VERY difficult for me to get a word in to try to explain my story. Most people won’t even give me a chance. Most people just want to harass me, and force me to go. When I do get a chance to tell my story, I typically get 2 responses. The first (most common), is that I am just a liar and in denial about my pedophile tendencies. They remind me that our state would not label me a child molester, unless I was a child molester. The second response, is guarded sympathy. People are outraged that the state would label me a child molester if I am not a child molester. They say that if I am not a child molester, then this is beyond the cruelest punishment imaginable to do this to any family. They say our legislature should be imprisoned for doing this to people who are not child molesters.
The harassment is getting so out of hand, that the person I bought my house from 1 year ago is being called a ‘sell out’ for introducing a predator into the neighborhood. I had 1 neighbor come up to me, and say if I had any shred of human dignity left, that I would move so they could feel safe again. She said if I refused to move, it would prove I was a low life scoundrel. How do I respond to that? My wife is nearly to the point of taking the kids and leave, so she can protect them from the public. I have several times been screamed at in public by ‘so called friends’, who were angry I never told them I was a child molester. I even had one guy accuse me that the only reason I helped him scoop snow from his driveway was so I ‘had a shot at his children’. My daughter said she is leaving the state to get away from harassment, my oldest boy said he can’t wait to go to college to get away from the harassment, and my youngest son cried because he has 4 years of high school with this harassment. I wish I was dead to protect my children.
I have to live with my skeletons on a sheet of paper to hand to everyone. I constantly have to share my private details of my horrific childhood with strangers. I’ve lost all self respect, I have no privacy, and I live in fear constantly.
Our family conversations used to be ‘how was your day’, or ‘how was school’, or ‘how was work’. That has now been replaced with ‘have you been harassed today’, ‘did you find any notes today’, ‘did anyone try to beat you up today’, ‘did anyone try to convince you, you were molested today’, ‘please don’t try suicide today’? I have no friends, my wife lost friends, no self esteem, I live in constant fear, panic, and degradation. All symptoms that put me here in the first place.
AND I KEEP HEARING THIS IS NOT PUNISHMENT AND MAKES SOCIETY SAFER???????????????? PLEASE try to look my children or wife in the eye, and tell THEM this is not CRUEL punishment. Needless to say, every time I hear this, I can’t help but think there are serious reality issues for the politician saying this is not punishment. No sane person, can look at the TRUTH, and think it is like a law to register a car. If so, they are either incoherent or pure evil.
So what has this cost me so far?
My attorney fees in my first case $25,000, witness fees $5,000, fine $5,000
2 Years of house arrest
11 years of probation, during which I took 5 polygraphs at my expense (passed them ALL)
In 1997 I was making over $120,000 per year. By 2010 I have finally achieved just over $60,000 per year.
Including the 2 years of unemployment, this has cost over $800,000 in lost salary.
I had at least 2 years of virtually no salary, a bankruptcy in 2002, and a near bankruptcy in 2005
I had to start back over at/near the bottom salary 2 times now in my career
This has cost me all of my friends 3 TIMES, I can’t even make friends today because of the stigma.
I have been fired 2 times because new HR people read my case, and promoted a ‘safe workplace’, even after the employer already knew about my situation upon hiring me. At this point I fear if I get fired, my career is officially over.
My career is dead, my marriage is shot, my children and wife cry all the time, I am constantly suicidal.
What have I done to improve my life?
11 year of therapy once or twice a week at my expense (well beyond 600 sessions)
Completed my bachelor’s degree 20 years after I started college
Spoken at numerous 12 step conferences on pornography addiction
Participated in 3 television interviews warning people about dangers of pornography addiction
Spoken at a local Offender Therapist conference on the dangers of pornography addiction
Attended 12 step groups for over a decade to help men avoid the pitfalls of pornography
Led a Friday night 12 step group for pornography addiction for over 5 years.
I am now an active member of Celebrate Recovery trying to help other men recover their addictions.
Reconciled with my wife, and we just celebrated our 20th anniversary
Paid back several of the companies in my bankruptcy, even though it was not required
Brought my finances back in order, and even rebuilt my credit to a 780+ score
Re-established credit at 3 of the companies I filed bankruptcy with
Purchased a new ¼ million dollar home
Sending my kids to Catholic school, and through my example, they are honor roll students with 4.0 GPA
I frequently talk to other men struggling with addiction, and make myself available 24 hours to help people
Passed 100 blood donations to the Red Cross in 2008, potentially saving dozens of lives.
People that know me, look up to me, and use me as an example of how they can turn their life around
Everyone that knew me [before AWA (Adam Walsh Act)] looked at me as the pillar example of how to rebuild your life.
The only future for me and my family is despair, anger, humiliation and degradation. I can’t even move to get away from the Stigma, and when I get off this atrocious list, I will have to quit my job and move out of state to start over.
The only possible way to make this right, is to take people like me off this damndable draconian list.
The stigma of this list is so incredibly degrading, that nationwide there are 1000s of cases of harassment against people on the list. There are over 160 murders nationwide attributed to vigilantes killing sex offenders. Recently, in California, a white supremacist tried to gain public favor for his cause by picking a sex offender at random and murdering him. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS? White Supremacists are KILLING sex offenders so they can look better to society? And politicians deny there is a significant negative stigma associated with this?
If all of this is not bad enough, for the first time in history, the public is encouraged to partake in punishment of people. Churches, schools, malls, even gyms are banning entrance to sex offenders. Yes, even gyms are cancelling memberships if a person shows up on the sex offender registry. The burden of punishment is so overwhelming by being on this list, that it is inconceivable that politicians try to state this is not punishment. I’m sorry, but when I hear a politician say this is not punishment, I can only think they have no grasp of reality. And do NOT refer to Smith v Doe, because if you read Smith v Doe, you will see it does more to PROVE this is punitive, then support it.